Land of the Leaf

It was expected that Zack Greinke would likely tame the Jays’ bats.  Brian Tallet’s vomit-inducing performance was not so predictable.  The aspiring porn star gave up 11 hits and saw 10 runs cross the plate through four rain-soaked shitty innings.  We could use another arm right about now.

I know what you’re thinking: bringing in a veteran will just block one of our young starters from coming up.  Well, that’s true, but our young starters ain’t doing shit right now in Triple-A.  There’s one man that could provide the Jays with a proven and still useful arm, not to mention the ability to sport a sweet Jheri curl that would compliment Tallet’s sweet ’stache:  Pedro Martinez.

In this installment, we take a look at Paul Maurice.  Paul was known here in Toronto as a the nice guy coach that just couldn’t make shit shine.  During his time as head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, it appeared Maurice had lost everything: the respect of the players, his composure, and ultimately his job.

Maurice took over the coaching duties in Carolina earlier this season and magically turned the team around and took them to the playoffs.  The Hurricanes knocked the Devils out of the playoffs last night and all the Leafs get is the prospect of dealing with the moody Ron Wilson again next season.  Congratulations to Paul Maurice on his success outside of Toronto (he had none here).

It goes to show that a roster of players built mostly from within the franchise (Eric Staal ain’t too bad), and the addition of proven veterans through trades and free agency will always have more success than stockpiling over-priced bums just because they want to be a Leaf.

Well, for the record, Harry Doyle actually said “one” hit not two.  Whatever, getting tuned by the Kansas City Royals wouldn’t be so bad if say, Zack Greinke was chucking a one-hitter.  Then it might be pretty, but watching Brian Bannister throw pumpkins all over the batter’s box, walk six, and get hit just once was a struggle at the best of times.

Bannister lasted seven innings, before Jamey Wright took over in the eighth.  Shitty Kyle Farnsworth gave up the other Jays’ hit in the ninth.

As well as the Jays have pitched this season, David Purcey has contributed very little that has been blood-pressure friendly.  His fastball was wearing its purse tonight and he needed 93 pitches to labour through five innings.  Gross.  We still haven’t faced Greinke yet.

In case you missed it, and I seriously hope you did, Adam Lind and Scott Rolen had the only Jays’ hits.

Life After Leaf Fans

Leaf fans are a tough find during the playoff months, save for the odd goofball sporting a Sundin Leafs’ jersey in a Toronto pub while reluctantly cheering on the Vancouver Canucks (editor’s note: a Wellwood jersey would be more adequate to explain fans’ desperation in Toronto by showing that they once adored the fat nerd).  Now, imagine a world without Leaf fans year round, season after season.  Down Goes Brown dreams up a utopia… er, dystopia where Maple Leaf fans do not exist.

Stephen Curry… Toronto Raptor?

That’s the case over at Cuzoogle, at least according to the Hoop Doctors Mock Draft.  I for one don’t see Curry becoming an NBA superstar, or even a pseudo star like Shane Battier, but the Raptors will need a 2-guard with a sweet stroke because of the impending departure of Anthony Parker.  I’ve said it before, drafting a shooting-guard would be a good move.  Nothing is certain until the balls drain out… of the lottery machine.

Stephen A. Smith continues to be Stephen A. Smith

Stephen A. Smith was handed a microphone, and he said a lot of stupid shit with it.  Thankfully, ESPN eventually realized that and canned his outspoken, dim-witted ass.  Unfortunately, it hasn’t stopped Stephen A. from flapping his gums.  [Dead Spin]

Mike Tyson Still Fuckin’ Crazy

The first time I saw the leaked excerpts of Mike Tyson’s self-produced documentary, I’ll admit: I nearly came to tears from the sheer honesty on all aspects of his career, in the ring and outside of it.  If you’re a film critic, and not impressed by the documentary, then you best watch your back.  Tyson will “copulate, sexually, with your eye and nose holes”.  That’s not even the worst of it.  [Holy Taco]

Stealing Home Off Andy Pettite Is So 2007

Before Jacoby Ellsbury went and made stealing home on Pettite mainstream, Aaron Hill was pulling that shit “underground” in 2007.  Knuckle-bumps to The Blue Jay Hunter.

Big thanks to Land of the Leaf reader and friend Nick Bland for the doozy shot of the Turducken… the only thing better is a deep-fried turkey.

When Jesse Litsch first went down with “forearm tightness” I held my tongue on declaring those fateful words: Tommy John surgery.  Let’s not jump the gun, but it’s rarely a good sign when a pitcher pays a visit to Alabama.  The Jays are calling it “precautionary” for now, hold your breath, and give Jesse Litsch’s pink marshmallow-like belly a rub if you can.  From Bastian:

“Jesse Litsch is going to Birmingham, Ala., to have Dr. James Andrews look at his ailing right forearm/elbow on Monday. Litsch felt tightness while throwing yesterday, felt good this morning and felt something again on last five tosses today. Jays say trip to Andrews is precautionary.”

The boos are much louder in those colours A.J… you bone-smoker.

Not really sure what’s going on here, but John Carver, who earlier this week disappeared from the sidelines, has resigned as head coach of Toronto FC.  TSN.ca called it “personal reasons”, I’m just a little bit shocked by all this.  I’m sure there’s pretty logical (or medical) explanation for all of this, and the club will be offering more details following tomorrow’s game versus the Kansas City Wizards at BMO Field.

Assistant coaches Chris Cummins and Nick Dasovic will handle the coaching duties for the interim.

The Pern-stache got it done, the Blue Jays curb-stomped the White Sox 14-0!  Who doesn’t believe in this team?  Don’t knock Cito, Michael Barrett doesn’t, and that’s saying something ’cause he loves hammerin’ people.

I’m being serious now, but Tallet was… dominant?  I’ll settle for effective, and maybe an assist to the wild winds blowing through the “Cell” on the South Side.  Vernon Wells is leading this team in stolen bases with three, which is encouraging because he stopped running several seasons ago.  This was an absolute clobbering, that’s the extent of analysis from here.

Jose Bautista homered for the first time this season, finally delivering on that power potential we saw in EA Sports’ MVP Baseball 2005… modded of course.

Brian Burres is chucking tomorrow, that should be a hoot.  He’s facing Ferris Buehrle and his assortment of “junk”.

"I'm just gonna use my bat to get to first, then I'll drop it, I promise."

Breaking Up The Bush-Party
Current Milwaukee Brewer and former Blue Jay Dave Bush took a no-hitter into the eighth inning yesterday (again) against the Phillies.  Due to my unrequited malevolent desires for most former Jays’ arms (except Billy Koch for some reason that alludes me), I was praying for someone, anyone to break Bush’s bid for history.  Matty Stairs clobbered a ball off the foul pole when he entered the game as a pinch-hitter.

Bush has a knack for taking no-hit bids late into games.  Many of us will remember Lyle Overbay busting up another Bush no-hitter last summer.  And back in 2004 when Bush would have actually had any level of relevance on this blog, he had taken his seminal steps into the eighth inning no-hit biz for the Blue Jays in just his third Major League start.

I liked Bush back then, but he’s since become nothing more than a “Pitch or Ditch” candidate in fantasy pools.

Matt Stairs.  Matty friggin’ Stairs.