Land of the Leaf

Dice-K?  Throws 96 pitches over five innings.  Johan?  Loses to the Pirates.  Lincecum?  Bullpen blows lead on a mediocre outing (for him) in Washington.  Peavy?  Leaves game after one shitty inning, team calls it viral respiratory illness (smokes cock).  Greinke?  Phew, doesn’t pitch tonight.

Roy Halladay stands alone.

Everyone is talking about it: the believer and hunter, ghosts and drunks, Boo Radley and Stieb… go see.

Burke Admits It:  Colie Campbell Fucks Guys

The only guys in hockey that have a more inane ability to make moronic decisions than the players on the ice are the ex-players running the teams.  No fucking headshot penalty? First of all, it’s absurd that the game has gotten to a point where hits to the head have become so prevalent and devastating that there even needs to be discussion of a rule change.  But wait, there’s some hilarity to all of this:  watching Bud Selig play a bumbling old man to save his own ass was humiliating for baseball and its fans, but listening to hockey-types deny that steroids are an issue in the game is going to look much more embarrassing.

Baseball players still use used steroids to hit a few more homers and recover from arm injuries.  Hockey players are killing each others’ brains with bodychecks and the league is standing by it while ignoring the bigger problem.

Although, Burke admits that most general managers feel that the threat of getting rammed up the poop-chute by Colin Campbell is enough punishment for headshots:

“There’s no appetite for a rule change on that,” Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke said after Tuesday’s meeting. “We all think the existing penalties make sense and then, when a guy crosses the line, Colie bangs him (with a suspension).

Get Your Sludge On:

Later this afternoon we’ll take a closer look at the upcoming Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints/Jays series.  You can expect us to probably drool a little over Roy Halladay and wear pants that fit a bit loose in the crotch area.

For now here’s a set of links to some good posts:

Brian Burke Goes Bananas On Watters Show

Oh man, this is too much.  There’s links to the audio piece at the end of the post, check it out.  Is the media getting to Burke, or is it the other way around?

Jaworski Says Trent Edwards Will Be Tremendous

And if that doesn’t quite work out there’s always the option of becoming a wrestler as Tremendous Trent Edwards.

Mock NBA Draft

Am I the only one who wants to see DeJuan Blair as a Raptor?

Alvin Williams A Raptor Again

Williams is joining the team as an assistant coach, show me Charles Oakley and I’ll start to believe.

Michael Bourn Nuts Himself

Bahahaha, ouch!  (bumps to Bugs and Cranks)

“That’s Bird” Series Preview: Jays @ Orioles

I wish I could say this series would be a serious beat-down.  I’m not ruling out a Jays’ offensive feast on some of Bodymore’s wonky arms, but my eyes are going bleary from looking at the RBI totals of Rios, Wells, and Lind over the team’s last six losses. I just can’t seem to find anything.  Oh, wait, there aren’t any because they didn’t drive in any fucking runs.  (bump-knuckles to The Tao of Stieb for the written reminder)

Vernon Wells: “You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit”.  You’re making me sick with your all of your chopping and hacking at the plate.  Now do something, those stolen bases are just expensive.

A six-game skid isn’t exactly the end of the world.  Thankfully, the optimism preservation officer The Blue Jay Hunter points out that when you throw in names like Frank Thomas and John Gibbons, you’ll remember that things have been much worse.

The Orioles hope that Jeremy Guthrie can get his game together in the series opener this afternoon.  Jays throw the mustache (Brian Tallet).

Hey, It’s Leaf Rumours and Rumblings

It seems a set of twins are causing an uprising at Toronto Sports Media.  I agree, dreams of the Sedins are better left out of the minds of Maple Leaf fans. The same could be said for Brian Burke’s hype-crush on John Tavares.  It’s dumb, not going to happen.

We’ve even got something on the rumour radar that makes sense; Mike fackin’ Komisarek!  He hits with the weight of a metric shit-ton, he’s still relatively young (27), and it would fuel the Habs-Leafs rivalry much more furiously than a couple of Belarusian princes dancing around than ice.  (bumps to Maple Leafs Hot Stove)

Burke acknowledges that the impending dip in the salary cap means that managers need to be prepared for the long-term.  [Puck Daddy]

Obligatory Bills News:

The Bills have a scary set of receivers.  They’re deep at wide receiver, like maybe the deepest in the NFL.  And they’ve got Terrell Owens, and yes you’re going to keep hearing about Terrell Owens.

Jays Battle Song For Bodymore, Murdaland

Damn Yankees
Tuesday’s baseball game was awesome, last night not so much.  Andy Pettitte didn’t have his best stuff, but that didn’t matter.  The Blue Jay bats couldn’t get shit going against him.  That heavy-set left hander with all the money takes the mound today and we’re countering with Brian Tallet.  Here’s hoping that the pern-stache can top the Hamburglar.

I don’t like to make rash decisions based on one performance, but I’m kinda over Scott Richmond right now.  Regardless, great story on Richmond from Ian at The Blue Jay Hunter.

Rethinking the NBA Finals, Got A Love Buzz for Jay Triano
Took in what I could of the Nuggets-Mavs series and all I can say is that the Nuggies have a legitimate shot at making the finals.  The hell with a Kobe vs. Lebron NBA Finals match-up, Carmelo vs. Lebron has got a lot more intrigue.  Follow the Nuggets’ quest over at Dunking Nuggets with my man Bryan Douglass.  I’ll take any excuse I can get to post a throw-back Raptors picture:

Speaking of the Raptors, Raptors Republic has an overview of the players that have worked out for the team thus far.  None of the names immediately jump of the screen, but we still don’t know what our draft position will be so no reason to get worked up yet.

Yours truly talked about the Jay Triano signing with Mr. Douglass of Fanball.com and the “Statsman” Paul Bruno on last night’s Statsman Show.  I’ll post a link when the file is available, but I can tell you that we’re all happy with the move.  (Link is up.  You can download it here:  Statsman Podcast Archive.  We go Triano around the 1:40 mark.)

Toronto FC and the Lone Goal Complacency
Chad Barrett scored the lone TFC goal last night, and that’s all they needed to defeat the Montreal Impact 1-0.  Toronto FC is getting too comfortable with the 1-0 victories.

Obligatory East Coast Chest Pump
If you read my own Hockeyhead blog (and you fucking better), then you’d know that I’m a big Sidney Crosby supporter.  I’m sorry, Ovechkin is a great player too but he’s sorta greasy.  Simeon VarLAMov has got a wonky glove-hand and the Penguins exposed it.  My boy Eyebleaf is coming around on Sid the Kid, and pretty soon you will too.

Toronto Raptors Dance Pak Booty Shorts

We’re doing an excellent job of lowering our standards of publication today.  [More booty pics at Blaze of Love]

Scott Richmond Earns Monthly Honour

Blue Jays’ starter, and good Canadian boy Scott Richmond was named the American League Rookie of the Month for April.  Nobody is happier than the Blue Jay Hunter.

Crazy Fan’s Flying Karate Kick at Yankees Game

More Hockey Teams In Canada… Keep Dreaming

Face it, Gary Bettman hates us.  From my very own Hockeyhead blog: What Does It Take To Land an NHL Franchise?

Maple Leafs Prospect Breaks Femur

Chris DiDomenico, aka the Leafs’ prospect that didn’t go to college, broke his femur when he crashed feet first into the boards.  DiDomenico is playing in the QMJHL for Drummondville who defeated Shawinigan 5-4 in last night’s game.  [NHL Rumours]

More Monster Jokes for McGuire

Keep them coming, although the biggest joke is McGuire himself.  I say go for it if you’re the Minnesota Wild, I’m sure the TSN panel will love breaking down McGuire’s transactions.  [Stay Classy]

Life After Leaf Fans

Leaf fans are a tough find during the playoff months, save for the odd goofball sporting a Sundin Leafs’ jersey in a Toronto pub while reluctantly cheering on the Vancouver Canucks (editor’s note: a Wellwood jersey would be more adequate to explain fans’ desperation in Toronto by showing that they once adored the fat nerd).  Now, imagine a world without Leaf fans year round, season after season.  Down Goes Brown dreams up a utopia… er, dystopia where Maple Leaf fans do not exist.

Stephen Curry… Toronto Raptor?

That’s the case over at Cuzoogle, at least according to the Hoop Doctors Mock Draft.  I for one don’t see Curry becoming an NBA superstar, or even a pseudo star like Shane Battier, but the Raptors will need a 2-guard with a sweet stroke because of the impending departure of Anthony Parker.  I’ve said it before, drafting a shooting-guard would be a good move.  Nothing is certain until the balls drain out… of the lottery machine.

Stephen A. Smith continues to be Stephen A. Smith

Stephen A. Smith was handed a microphone, and he said a lot of stupid shit with it.  Thankfully, ESPN eventually realized that and canned his outspoken, dim-witted ass.  Unfortunately, it hasn’t stopped Stephen A. from flapping his gums.  [Dead Spin]

Mike Tyson Still Fuckin’ Crazy

The first time I saw the leaked excerpts of Mike Tyson’s self-produced documentary, I’ll admit: I nearly came to tears from the sheer honesty on all aspects of his career, in the ring and outside of it.  If you’re a film critic, and not impressed by the documentary, then you best watch your back.  Tyson will “copulate, sexually, with your eye and nose holes”.  That’s not even the worst of it.  [Holy Taco]

Stealing Home Off Andy Pettite Is So 2007

Before Jacoby Ellsbury went and made stealing home on Pettite mainstream, Aaron Hill was pulling that shit “underground” in 2007.  Knuckle-bumps to The Blue Jay Hunter.

Big thanks to Land of the Leaf reader and friend Nick Bland for the doozy shot of the Turducken… the only thing better is a deep-fried turkey.

Luke Schenn: International Stud
Luke Schenn is going to the World Hockey Championships to play for Canada. Not bad for the 19-year old centrepiece to the Leafs’ rebuilding plans. Ian White will be joining the club as well, laying some serious ’stache on the competition I hope.

Top 10 Leaf Moments of 2008-2009
An excellent list with video clips from the always reliable Down Goes Brown. You know your season was a complete washout when the number one moment is the honouring of a former player’s number. Still, great list.

What’s That You Say? Cheaper Bills Tickets?
Using “challenging economic times” as an excuse so as not to admit that they’re bumbling idiots, greedy fucks Rogers Communications Inc. are cutting the average ticket price by 17% to this year’s Buffalo Bills game in Toronto. [TSN]

Bills Draft Approach: Win Now
With a plethora of top-end talent to come off the books in 2010 and again in 2011, the Buffalo Bills appear to be moving toward being competitive this coming season. They’ll be looking for rookies that can step in and contribute immediately, rather than stockpiling for the future. [Buffalo Rumblings]

Drunk Jays Fans New Podcast Available
Bart Given was a guest on the second DJF podcast of 2009, and a pretty good guest at that. I mean, he’s no Keith Law, but who is? Check it out.

Bryan Colangelo Rolls A Douby
B.C. and the Raptors have locked up Quincy Douby for the remainder of this season and for 2010 as well. You hear that? Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Quincy Douby are all free agents after the 2010 season.[Inside Hoops]

Raptors Republic has some grades for Bryan Colangelo’s wheeling and dealing from this past year.  Interesting and mostly accurate marks handed out, if you’re looking for an answer to why B.C. traded Will Solomon for Patrick O’Bryant then look elsewhere.  Only Jesus and B.C. know the answer to that one.
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Jays release Overbay, Maroth, and Harang, many more.  Not Lyle Overbay, but Seth, and although I wish the Jays had Aaron Harang-utan in their rotation it’s only Daryl Harang that’s been released.  That’s the real Mike Maroth that they cut loose though, that didn’t quite work out.

Opening Day is just a weekend away.  It’s rare that you have a Rogers Centre full of Jays’ fans, Opening Day is usually your first and last shot at pretending it’s 1993 in the Skydome.  Yes, the place gets pretty full when the Red Sox or Yankees roll in for a weekend series, but the Red Sox Nation and Yankee Douche-Crew severely outnumber us for those games.  Drunk Jays Fans has your Guide to the 2009 Home Opener.  Read, memorize, and apply your knowledge.

Providing fuel to the theory that superstar baseball players always go to the Mets to die: The Mets are close to signing Gary Sheffield according to MLB Trade Rumors.
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The Jonas Frogren signing cost the Maple Leafs a 4th round draft pickalmost nine months after the fact.  I really don’t care, but the parameters of the penalty are confusing as hell.  Bitter Leaf Fan Page lays out an accurate timeline, but there’s still no simple answer on all of this.

Raptors Aiming For Fifth Straight

The road to five straight wins goes directly through Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic.  Cuzzy isn’t April Foolsing on you, an upset of ‘magical’ proportions could be in the works tonight.  Okay, that was little much.  [Cuzoogle]

Mills Craps The Bed In Last Chance To Impress

The fight for the fifth and final spot in the Jays’ rotation is becoming a contest of shittyness.  Brad Mills got lit up by the Phillies in his final start of the spring.  He’ll probably still pitch for the Jays in the near future according to Cito.  Scott Richmond will have to step on the mound and pull down his pants and piss to lose the final spot on this staff.

Leaf Fans Divided On Brad May

Brad May isn’t going to command big money this offseason, but he could be a valuable leader and roll-player somewhere.  It’s up to his father Brian Burke to decide whether or not that will be with Toronto or not.  The fans are split down the middle on him.  [Pension Plan Puppets]

Who’s More Stab-Worthy, TSN2 or Rogers?

We’re now in month number eight in the TSN2 and Rogers’ standoff.  TSN can suck-it because they put half of their Raptors’ games on a channel that 14 people have, and Rogers can suck-it for refusing to man-up and offer TSN2.  [Zelkovich]

Chicks Dig The Stick

Anna Kournikova, Willa Ford, Hillary Duff, the older Tanner sister from Full House:  they all chase puck.  [FanIQ]

Self-Promotion

I hate country music, especially Wal-Mart country.  I took a shot at Carey Price’s stupid Garth Brooks goalie mask over at Hockeyhead.

Shameless Plug
I love Scott Richmond, but mostly because he’s Canadian. That shouldn’t warrant him a spot in the Jays’ rotation. I did something about it. I went to the Bleacher Report and I spit some words out on why J.P. Ricciardi should make a move for Ben Sheets. Hold the cynicism and rising blood pressure for a minute, it’s the Bleacher Report, people have said much wilder things over there.

Leafs Prepared to Sign Christian Hanson
Joe Ross at NHL Rumours is on to something: the media scrutiny this poor Hanson kid is going to face for his entire career because his father was an actual Hanson brother from Slap Shot. Hanson projects as a strong two-way centre and he has posted 16 goals and 15 assists in 37 NCAA games at Notre Dame this season. Tyler Bozak could be heading to Toronto as well.

Alonzo Mourning Is A Piece Of Shit
From Doug Smith’s blog:

I didn’t hear the whole speech so maybe I missed it but I don’t think Alonzo Mourning thanked Rob Babcock and the Raptors for repatriating him to Miami, where they retired his number last night.
But how crazy is this?
Normal halftime breaks are 14 minutes; the Heat-Magic game was delayed 43 minutes at halftime for the Mourning ceremony.

Giving A Man Named Pops a Nickname?
Seriously, I thought Pops worked just fine. Nonetheless, he’s going to be the “British Bulldog”.

Should They Stay or Should They Go
Arsenalist runs down a list of so-so Raptors and gives some insight into who should be bought out, benched, and given playing time. I think I can agree with almost all of the suggestions, except Joey Graham… he can go stack shit for all I care. Quincy Douby “looks like Tupac”!