Land of the Leaf

Dice-K?  Throws 96 pitches over five innings.  Johan?  Loses to the Pirates.  Lincecum?  Bullpen blows lead on a mediocre outing (for him) in Washington.  Peavy?  Leaves game after one shitty inning, team calls it viral respiratory illness (smokes cock).  Greinke?  Phew, doesn’t pitch tonight.

Roy Halladay stands alone.

Everyone is talking about it: the believer and hunter, ghosts and drunks, Boo Radley and Stieb… go see.

Burke Admits It:  Colie Campbell Fucks Guys

The only guys in hockey that have a more inane ability to make moronic decisions than the players on the ice are the ex-players running the teams.  No fucking headshot penalty? First of all, it’s absurd that the game has gotten to a point where hits to the head have become so prevalent and devastating that there even needs to be discussion of a rule change.  But wait, there’s some hilarity to all of this:  watching Bud Selig play a bumbling old man to save his own ass was humiliating for baseball and its fans, but listening to hockey-types deny that steroids are an issue in the game is going to look much more embarrassing.

Baseball players still use used steroids to hit a few more homers and recover from arm injuries.  Hockey players are killing each others’ brains with bodychecks and the league is standing by it while ignoring the bigger problem.

Although, Burke admits that most general managers feel that the threat of getting rammed up the poop-chute by Colin Campbell is enough punishment for headshots:

“There’s no appetite for a rule change on that,” Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke said after Tuesday’s meeting. “We all think the existing penalties make sense and then, when a guy crosses the line, Colie bangs him (with a suspension).

Get Your Sludge On:

Peter Zezel passed away yesterday at the age of 44.  Zezel was always considered “one of their own” by Leaf fans despite only playing in Toronto for parts of four seasons.  Toronto born, or Scarborough raised, however you choose to put it, Zezel first made his mark in the OHL with the Toronto Marlboros in the early 1980’s.  The news of his passing hit hard in Toronto, our thoughts are with his family and friends.

Peter Zezel didn’t have his best offensive years in Toronto, but he played an integral part on two of the better Maple Leafs teams from the last 40 years.  He appeared in the 1986 film Youngblood, which is a much better hockey film than Slap Shot, and he continued to be active in the Toronto sports community over the last few years.  Several excellent stories and tributes from a number of bloggers have delineated some of Zezel’s memorable hockey moments and human side, here are some links to a few:

Remembering Peter Zezel [Down Goes Brown]

Peter Zezel [Bitter Leaf Fan Page]

Ode To Peter Zezel [Toronto Sports Media]

“That’s Bird” Series Preview: Jays @ Orioles

I wish I could say this series would be a serious beat-down.  I’m not ruling out a Jays’ offensive feast on some of Bodymore’s wonky arms, but my eyes are going bleary from looking at the RBI totals of Rios, Wells, and Lind over the team’s last six losses. I just can’t seem to find anything.  Oh, wait, there aren’t any because they didn’t drive in any fucking runs.  (bump-knuckles to The Tao of Stieb for the written reminder)

Vernon Wells: “You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit”.  You’re making me sick with your all of your chopping and hacking at the plate.  Now do something, those stolen bases are just expensive.

A six-game skid isn’t exactly the end of the world.  Thankfully, the optimism preservation officer The Blue Jay Hunter points out that when you throw in names like Frank Thomas and John Gibbons, you’ll remember that things have been much worse.

The Orioles hope that Jeremy Guthrie can get his game together in the series opener this afternoon.  Jays throw the mustache (Brian Tallet).

Hey, It’s Leaf Rumours and Rumblings

It seems a set of twins are causing an uprising at Toronto Sports Media.  I agree, dreams of the Sedins are better left out of the minds of Maple Leaf fans. The same could be said for Brian Burke’s hype-crush on John Tavares.  It’s dumb, not going to happen.

We’ve even got something on the rumour radar that makes sense; Mike fackin’ Komisarek!  He hits with the weight of a metric shit-ton, he’s still relatively young (27), and it would fuel the Habs-Leafs rivalry much more furiously than a couple of Belarusian princes dancing around than ice.  (bumps to Maple Leafs Hot Stove)

Burke acknowledges that the impending dip in the salary cap means that managers need to be prepared for the long-term.  [Puck Daddy]

Obligatory Bills News:

The Bills have a scary set of receivers.  They’re deep at wide receiver, like maybe the deepest in the NFL.  And they’ve got Terrell Owens, and yes you’re going to keep hearing about Terrell Owens.

Jays Battle Song For Bodymore, Murdaland

Damn Yankees
Tuesday’s baseball game was awesome, last night not so much.  Andy Pettitte didn’t have his best stuff, but that didn’t matter.  The Blue Jay bats couldn’t get shit going against him.  That heavy-set left hander with all the money takes the mound today and we’re countering with Brian Tallet.  Here’s hoping that the pern-stache can top the Hamburglar.

I don’t like to make rash decisions based on one performance, but I’m kinda over Scott Richmond right now.  Regardless, great story on Richmond from Ian at The Blue Jay Hunter.

Rethinking the NBA Finals, Got A Love Buzz for Jay Triano
Took in what I could of the Nuggets-Mavs series and all I can say is that the Nuggies have a legitimate shot at making the finals.  The hell with a Kobe vs. Lebron NBA Finals match-up, Carmelo vs. Lebron has got a lot more intrigue.  Follow the Nuggets’ quest over at Dunking Nuggets with my man Bryan Douglass.  I’ll take any excuse I can get to post a throw-back Raptors picture:

Speaking of the Raptors, Raptors Republic has an overview of the players that have worked out for the team thus far.  None of the names immediately jump of the screen, but we still don’t know what our draft position will be so no reason to get worked up yet.

Yours truly talked about the Jay Triano signing with Mr. Douglass of Fanball.com and the “Statsman” Paul Bruno on last night’s Statsman Show.  I’ll post a link when the file is available, but I can tell you that we’re all happy with the move.  (Link is up.  You can download it here:  Statsman Podcast Archive.  We go Triano around the 1:40 mark.)

Toronto FC and the Lone Goal Complacency
Chad Barrett scored the lone TFC goal last night, and that’s all they needed to defeat the Montreal Impact 1-0.  Toronto FC is getting too comfortable with the 1-0 victories.

Obligatory East Coast Chest Pump
If you read my own Hockeyhead blog (and you fucking better), then you’d know that I’m a big Sidney Crosby supporter.  I’m sorry, Ovechkin is a great player too but he’s sorta greasy.  Simeon VarLAMov has got a wonky glove-hand and the Penguins exposed it.  My boy Eyebleaf is coming around on Sid the Kid, and pretty soon you will too.

America’s favourite self-aggrandizing sports publication released its list of five best and five worst owners in the four major sports.  Guess who’s topping the list for the worst in the NHL?

Did you guess a bloodless, souless, pension-hugging entity?  Of course you did.  It’s the Toronto Maple Leafs and their owner MLSE.

NHL

Five Best Owners

1 Mike Ilitch Detroit Red Wings

2 Jeffrey Vanderbeek New Jersey Devils

3 Mario Lemieux/Ron Burkle Pittsburgh Penguins

4 San Jose Sports and Entertainment San Jose Sharks

5 Peter Karmanos Carolina Hurricanes

Five Worst Owners

1 MLSE Toronto Maple Leafs

2 Alan Cohen Florida Panthers

3 Charles Wang New York Islanders

4 Atlanta Spirit Atlanta Thrashers

5 Predator Holdings LLC Nashville Predators

Knuckle-bumps to Hugging Harold Reynolds.

Toronto Raptors Dance Pak Booty Shorts

We’re doing an excellent job of lowering our standards of publication today.  [More booty pics at Blaze of Love]

Scott Richmond Earns Monthly Honour

Blue Jays’ starter, and good Canadian boy Scott Richmond was named the American League Rookie of the Month for April.  Nobody is happier than the Blue Jay Hunter.

Crazy Fan’s Flying Karate Kick at Yankees Game

More Hockey Teams In Canada… Keep Dreaming

Face it, Gary Bettman hates us.  From my very own Hockeyhead blog: What Does It Take To Land an NHL Franchise?

Maple Leafs Prospect Breaks Femur

Chris DiDomenico, aka the Leafs’ prospect that didn’t go to college, broke his femur when he crashed feet first into the boards.  DiDomenico is playing in the QMJHL for Drummondville who defeated Shawinigan 5-4 in last night’s game.  [NHL Rumours]

More Monster Jokes for McGuire

Keep them coming, although the biggest joke is McGuire himself.  I say go for it if you’re the Minnesota Wild, I’m sure the TSN panel will love breaking down McGuire’s transactions.  [Stay Classy]

Here we go again, the Cold War is back on as Jim Balsillie submitted an offer to buy the Phoenix Coyotes with a condition allowing him to relocate the franchise to Ontario.  There’s no way in hell that Gary Bettman wants to pull the plug in sunny Phoenix for the frozen highways of Southern Ontario.  He won’t even pull the plug in Nashville, and don’t forget that Kansas City is prepared to house a team right now.

Ian White left the World Hockey Championship yesterday.  That’s the closest thing to Maple Leaf news I’ve got.

It looks like Roberto Alomar is off the hook with that wacky AIDS lawsuit.  Never mind that his ex-girlfriend Ilya Dall doesn’t even have AIDS, or that she’s just bat-shit crazy.  I’m still puzzled by her description of Alomar’s symptoms:

“Purple skin, too sick and weak to walk … foaming at the mouth, couldn’t swallow, and a spinal tap proved (Alomar) was indeed suffering with full-blown AIDS.”

Alomar’s current girlfriend seems like a much kinder girl:

(hat tip to Mopupduty)

The Toronto Argos have brought back a familiar face to serve as the team’s new president.  Bob Nicholson was president of the club from 1994-1999, and he’ll reprise for the upcoming season. When in doubt, just bring back the old boss.

Pierre McGuire is among the front runners for the vacant general manager position with the Minnesota Wild.  McGuire’s first moves if he is to get the job:  sign some monsters and bring Robert Petrovicky back to the NHL.

You knew it was coming.  Former Leaf and notorious dough-boy Kyle Wellwood is getting it done for the Vancouver Canucks in the playoffs.  I’m not going to say the Leafs should have kept Wellwood, that was a bad marriage from the onset.  What could you expect though?  Leafs’ management figured Wellwood to be a first line player, and he clearly doesn’t have the skill set for such a task.

We’ve all seen the infamous Wellwood “fat” pictures, never mind that it was the offseason and he was laid up with a leg in cast, and yes he’d probably prefer to have his face buried in a book rather than forechecking, but it’s a tough pill to swallow for Leaf fans because he’s actually showing some of the promise he once flashed in Toronto.

Wellwood was named the second star in the Game 1 victory over Chicago, he was arguably the best player for the Canucks, drawing praise for his play with and without the puck and chipping in with two assists.  He didn’t miss a beat after taking a stick above his eye and getting a tooth knocked out.  The fat is back, I don’t know from what, but he’s back.

In this installment, we take a look at Paul Maurice.  Paul was known here in Toronto as a the nice guy coach that just couldn’t make shit shine.  During his time as head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, it appeared Maurice had lost everything: the respect of the players, his composure, and ultimately his job.

Maurice took over the coaching duties in Carolina earlier this season and magically turned the team around and took them to the playoffs.  The Hurricanes knocked the Devils out of the playoffs last night and all the Leafs get is the prospect of dealing with the moody Ron Wilson again next season.  Congratulations to Paul Maurice on his success outside of Toronto (he had none here).

It goes to show that a roster of players built mostly from within the franchise (Eric Staal ain’t too bad), and the addition of proven veterans through trades and free agency will always have more success than stockpiling over-priced bums just because they want to be a Leaf.

Thankfully, most of the John Tavares to the Toronto Maple Leafs lunacy has subsided now that Garth Snow has stated he won’t be dealing the first overall pick to Brian Burke.  I’ve stated all along that I have doubts as to how good the kid might be, and now some professionals are weighing in on Johnny T as well.  The “Redline Report” (a credible scouting service) has ranked him as the third best prospect Tavares behind Victor Hedman (the best player available anyway) and Matt Duchene.  [A hat tip to NHL Rumours via Newsday]

The “Redline Report” is owned and published by Kyle Woodlief, a former Nashville Predators scout.  Woodlief offered a somewhat harsh critical explanation in his ranking of Tavares:

“I’ve always felt Hedman should be the No. 1 pick… The reason we flip-flopped Duchene and Tavares is due to the fact Tavares’ effort level has been underwhelming through the first two rounds of the [Ontario Hockey League] playoffs. Tavares may score 40 or 50 goals a season, but he’s one-dimensional. If he’s not scoring, he’s not helping.

Right now, he’s the third-best draft-eligible forward on his own team behind Nazem Kadri and Phil Varone. Tavares (9-10-19) and Varone (10-8-18) have about the same number of points, but Varone is plus-16, and Tavares is even. London has a great power play, and Tavares is getting all his points on the power play. Five-on-five, Tavares has been nothing short of a liability. His attitude of entitlement stinks.”

It’s beginning to smell a lot like Lindros in here.

Woodlief went on to compare Tavares to Brett Hull, which isn’t so bad, but it’s not quite the Ontario-ized version of Sidney Crosby that pundits have been praying for.

Hockey Mom

Toronto Life, the city’s leading intellectual magazine that reviews many restaurants that I can’t afford to eat in, ran an interesting piece on John Tavares in a recent issue.  The piece mostly focuses on Tavares’ family life, or lack thereof, and growing up with billet families.  Sounds like his old lady put the pressure on for him to succeed at an early age, and that she fits the very Canadian stereotype of the “crazy hockey parent”:

Once, after a lacklustre performance, she tossed his brand new hockey gloves out the car window. “See, John?” she said. “See that? That’s your hockey career gone. Just like that.”

I read shit like that and I wonder whose hockey career is actually at risk here, John’s or his mother’s?