Land of the Leaf

Dice-K?  Throws 96 pitches over five innings.  Johan?  Loses to the Pirates.  Lincecum?  Bullpen blows lead on a mediocre outing (for him) in Washington.  Peavy?  Leaves game after one shitty inning, team calls it viral respiratory illness (smokes cock).  Greinke?  Phew, doesn’t pitch tonight.

Roy Halladay stands alone.

Everyone is talking about it: the believer and hunter, ghosts and drunks, Boo Radley and Stieb… go see.

Burke Admits It:  Colie Campbell Fucks Guys

The only guys in hockey that have a more inane ability to make moronic decisions than the players on the ice are the ex-players running the teams.  No fucking headshot penalty? First of all, it’s absurd that the game has gotten to a point where hits to the head have become so prevalent and devastating that there even needs to be discussion of a rule change.  But wait, there’s some hilarity to all of this:  watching Bud Selig play a bumbling old man to save his own ass was humiliating for baseball and its fans, but listening to hockey-types deny that steroids are an issue in the game is going to look much more embarrassing.

Baseball players still use used steroids to hit a few more homers and recover from arm injuries.  Hockey players are killing each others’ brains with bodychecks and the league is standing by it while ignoring the bigger problem.

Although, Burke admits that most general managers feel that the threat of getting rammed up the poop-chute by Colin Campbell is enough punishment for headshots:

“There’s no appetite for a rule change on that,” Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke said after Tuesday’s meeting. “We all think the existing penalties make sense and then, when a guy crosses the line, Colie bangs him (with a suspension).

Get Your Sludge On:

Later this afternoon we’ll take a closer look at the upcoming Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints/Jays series.  You can expect us to probably drool a little over Roy Halladay and wear pants that fit a bit loose in the crotch area.

For now here’s a set of links to some good posts:

Brian Burke Goes Bananas On Watters Show

Oh man, this is too much.  There’s links to the audio piece at the end of the post, check it out.  Is the media getting to Burke, or is it the other way around?

Jaworski Says Trent Edwards Will Be Tremendous

And if that doesn’t quite work out there’s always the option of becoming a wrestler as Tremendous Trent Edwards.

Mock NBA Draft

Am I the only one who wants to see DeJuan Blair as a Raptor?

Alvin Williams A Raptor Again

Williams is joining the team as an assistant coach, show me Charles Oakley and I’ll start to believe.

Michael Bourn Nuts Himself

Bahahaha, ouch!  (bumps to Bugs and Cranks)

“That’s Bird” Series Preview: Jays @ Orioles

I wish I could say this series would be a serious beat-down.  I’m not ruling out a Jays’ offensive feast on some of Bodymore’s wonky arms, but my eyes are going bleary from looking at the RBI totals of Rios, Wells, and Lind over the team’s last six losses. I just can’t seem to find anything.  Oh, wait, there aren’t any because they didn’t drive in any fucking runs.  (bump-knuckles to The Tao of Stieb for the written reminder)

Vernon Wells: “You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit”.  You’re making me sick with your all of your chopping and hacking at the plate.  Now do something, those stolen bases are just expensive.

A six-game skid isn’t exactly the end of the world.  Thankfully, the optimism preservation officer The Blue Jay Hunter points out that when you throw in names like Frank Thomas and John Gibbons, you’ll remember that things have been much worse.

The Orioles hope that Jeremy Guthrie can get his game together in the series opener this afternoon.  Jays throw the mustache (Brian Tallet).

Hey, It’s Leaf Rumours and Rumblings

It seems a set of twins are causing an uprising at Toronto Sports Media.  I agree, dreams of the Sedins are better left out of the minds of Maple Leaf fans. The same could be said for Brian Burke’s hype-crush on John Tavares.  It’s dumb, not going to happen.

We’ve even got something on the rumour radar that makes sense; Mike fackin’ Komisarek!  He hits with the weight of a metric shit-ton, he’s still relatively young (27), and it would fuel the Habs-Leafs rivalry much more furiously than a couple of Belarusian princes dancing around than ice.  (bumps to Maple Leafs Hot Stove)

Burke acknowledges that the impending dip in the salary cap means that managers need to be prepared for the long-term.  [Puck Daddy]

Obligatory Bills News:

The Bills have a scary set of receivers.  They’re deep at wide receiver, like maybe the deepest in the NFL.  And they’ve got Terrell Owens, and yes you’re going to keep hearing about Terrell Owens.

Jays Battle Song For Bodymore, Murdaland

The print presses are spinning out of control in Toronto thanks to Brian Burke’s announcement that his strategy heading into the draft is to “immediately attempt to move up”.  The NHL’s draft lottery is tonight, Burke stated earlier today that he intends to talk to every team between the Maple Leafs and the first overall pick.  I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not going to happen.

We all need to take a step back and consider what John Tavares actually offers.  He offers a shot at a solid foundation to rebuild around.  That’s it, just a shot.  Us Canadians, we have a penchant to build hype around 18-year old boys and label them things like “The Next One” and other such near-sighted titles.  I don’t think John Tavares is the next Sidney Crosby, but I am cautiously optimistic that he’s not going to be the next Alexandre Daigle either.  Let’s just say that maybe Tavares doesn’t have the same head on his shoulders that greats like Gretzky, Lemieux, Yzerman, and Crosby had when they were coming into the league.

Tavares could be a great player, he may become one of the all-time greats that advanced scouting and his on-ice play with other children his age has led us to believe.  If that is the case, then who in their right fucking mind would be willing to trade the opportunity to Toronto for a bunch of gear-bags?  Assuming that the New York Islanders land the first pick, does Burke call Garth Snow and say:

“Hey Garth, you have Tavares on your radar there, but let me offer you a handful of guys that have been a part of teams that failed to accomplish anything.  You can have anyone on my team, except my lone good player and young stud Luke Schenn.  Take your pick Garth, you want Jason Blake back, how about our offensive defenseman that doesn’t score?”

For the love of Garth Snow, just leave this alone and come up with some plausible solutions to make this team competitive.  And if Tavares pulls an Eric Lindros and says he won’t play for team X, I’ll punch the little fucker in the lips myself.

A playoff atmosphere might be a little bit of an exaggeration.  Although there should be a frantic crowd on hand to cheer the Leafs on against their Provincial rival the Ottawa Senators.  Well, the crowd should be frantic for most of the game, minus the start of the second and third periods while the Platinum seaters are eating sushi and drinking imported beer.

The Senators are putting the cap on a disappointing season while the Leafs finish a season in which they were neither good enough for the playoffs or bad enough to have a good shot at John Tavares.  This season marks the first time in 11 years that the Sens will play spectators to the playoffs, while the Leafs continue their post-lockout playoff drought.

Martin Gerber is expected to get the start against his former club.  He’ll be looking for redemption after never really accomplishing much in parts of 3 seasons with the club before being waived (a couple of times) earlier this season.  Tonight’s game will have no impact on the Northeast Division standings, the Leafs will finish in the basement.

Damien Cox Strokes Burke’s Ego… Maybe Something Else Too

I really believe that Brian Burke can build a winner in Toronto, but I think want to see him ice a decent team before I start singing his praises.  Not Cox though, he dropped to his knees and tickled Burke’s gear-bag in this morning’s Toronto Star. This makes me want to puke in my hockey gloves:

Nobody builds a sense of momentum quite like Brian Burke.

Perhaps it’s the way he expertly handles the media, or the way in which he aggressively pursues players he covets like a college recruiter and has them all but singing the team fight song by the time they agree to come.

This season, he has on more than a few occasions told opposing GMs that they should enjoy the fact their teams are pushing the Maple Leafs around now, because soon the skate will be on the other foot.

Lovable Ron Wilson is going to be named head coach of the 2010 USA men’s Olympic hockey team.  Wilson and Brian Burke will both have their hands all over this squad, as Burke is going to serve as the team’s general manager.  I’d say Jeff Finger’s chances at cracking the squad are fairly decent, unless Wilson and Burke are complete pricks… we’ll come back to that at another time.

Wilson, if you remember, was the coach of the American team that won the first World Cup of Hockey back in 1996.  The 2010 Olympic team could be one to surprise some people, as Wilson and Burke bring enough balls to tell veterans like Chris Chelios and Jeremy Roenick to get lost and retire.  You can expect a young team with a solid mix of speed and toughness, and the advantage of not having to dignify Howard Berger’s questions with an answer in press conferences following every game.

Justin Pogge is built like a milk-bag.  Alert - he’s not the goalie of the future.  He’s unworthy of Potvin’s 29, he’s not even Jeff Reese.  He’s soft, marshmallow soft.  He’s a bag of holes.

Cue the pundits that will want Brian Burke to re-sign Alex Ponikarovsky.  I think he should go somewhere else to score 22 goals for the near $3,000,000 he will command on the open market.  Jason Blake can go pound sand too.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good 1987esque 7-5 drubbing, but those are the games when you should win a few fights.  Watching a Milan Lucic beat the piss out of Phil Oreskovic like a coked-up lunatic was predictable, but 19 year-old Luke Schenn having to be the knuckle-chucker for a veteran team is just plain lousy.  Brian Burke pulled out the binoculars to see Schenn trade blows with Steve Montador, you have to wonder who he was watching.  Lucic would have pummeled Brad May.

Justin Pogge is a floppy, fat-assed, salt & vinegar chip eating piece of crap.

To put it bluntly, he’s lying through his teeth.  Burke vehemently denied rumors that the Maple Leafs had received an offer from the Boston Bruins for Tomas Kaberle by telling TSN:

“It’s not true, a total fabrication, I sat with (Boston GM) Peter Chiarelli for the first period of Saturday’s game in Boston and we never discussed Tomas Kaberle. We hadn’t spoken about Kaberle before that and we most certainly haven’t since then. There is no truth to it at all. None.”

Burke also reiterated his desire to keep Ian White in the fold for the Leafs:

“I don’t expect either defenceman to move,” Burke told the Star. “I’ve gotten offers for Ian White which we’ve turned down. We’re really happy with him, and unless we’re blown away we plan to keep him.”

You have to admit, this approach to selling the team’s assets is probably more effective than his recent public lambasting of Nik Antropov.  Burke can create the illusion that Tomas Kaberle and Ian White are so valuable that it would take a top-notch offer to pull them away.  The reality for this team is that they’re neither good enough to sneak into the playoffs down the stretch, nor bad enough to compete for the John Tavares Cup.  Brian Burke is a lot of things, but the jury is out on his fibbing skills.