Land of the Leaf

Um, I’m going to be honest and say I had planned on skipping tonight’s Jays’ game altogether in favour of the Stanley Cup Finals.  Luckily, for me, Halladay’s dominance of the Angels’ lineup was apparent from the first pitch.  This is what multiple computers and a TV are for, nights like this.

Halladay did his best A.J. Burnett impression (although gave up only one walk instead of like seven) by striking out a career high 14 batters on the evening, including the side in the ninth.  Complete game, a few hits surrendered, earned runs and all, fuck it… Halladay is the best there is.  First to nine wins.   Jays 6 Angels 4

Has anyone seen Vernon Wells’ power or general ability lately?  No?  I didn’t think so.

Nervousness has got me shaking like Parliament Street meth-whore on a dozen cups of Jet Fuel.  Friday night home games usually mean emphatic powdery blue victories.  Not this Friday though, this one is much, much different. It’s that goddamn knuckleball of Tim Wakefield, and those fucking Mass Holes.

Here’s me trying to be positive:

I want to think that this is the series that Vernon Wells uses to establish himself this season.  Surely a nine game road losing streak is enough to inspire Vernon to come to the plate with a plan and give us some of that 2003 shit.  Meaningful hits, that’s all Vernon.  We’re not asking for too much, but keep stealing bags.

Janssen gets the ball tonight, Scott Richmond goes to the pen.  I’m okay with that, I’ll tell you why.  Casey Janssen needs to start, but he could come out flaccid and we’ll need a serviceable arm ready for long relief.  That’s what Scott Richmond is, a serviceable arm.  He’s not a fucking superstar, but neither is Janssen.

See, I’m having trouble being positive.  I’m scared shitless.  Only the encouraging words of Scott Rolen can snap me out of this forced introversion of pessimism.

I’ve searched high and low for a battle song to head into this series with.  I give you the musical equivalent of a Wakefield knuckleball: Pavement covering Creedence Clearwater Revival.  Go Jays!

Roy Halladay can stop the bleeding, but he needs some support.

Vernon Wells needs to hit the ball today, and I’m not talking about off of his ankles or shins.

I still believe in Alex Rios, just not as much as I used to.

Left handed Rich Hill coudn’t hold down a job a year ago, the Jays are loaded with right handed power hitters.  They should crush him.

Losing is unacceptable today, eight in a row is enough.

TOR: Halladay (8-1, 2.52 ERA)

BAL: Hill (1-0, 3.18 ERA)

Game Time 1:35 PM ET

“That’s Bird” Series Preview: Jays @ Orioles

I wish I could say this series would be a serious beat-down.  I’m not ruling out a Jays’ offensive feast on some of Bodymore’s wonky arms, but my eyes are going bleary from looking at the RBI totals of Rios, Wells, and Lind over the team’s last six losses. I just can’t seem to find anything.  Oh, wait, there aren’t any because they didn’t drive in any fucking runs.  (bump-knuckles to The Tao of Stieb for the written reminder)

Vernon Wells: “You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit”.  You’re making me sick with your all of your chopping and hacking at the plate.  Now do something, those stolen bases are just expensive.

A six-game skid isn’t exactly the end of the world.  Thankfully, the optimism preservation officer The Blue Jay Hunter points out that when you throw in names like Frank Thomas and John Gibbons, you’ll remember that things have been much worse.

The Orioles hope that Jeremy Guthrie can get his game together in the series opener this afternoon.  Jays throw the mustache (Brian Tallet).

Hey, It’s Leaf Rumours and Rumblings

It seems a set of twins are causing an uprising at Toronto Sports Media.  I agree, dreams of the Sedins are better left out of the minds of Maple Leaf fans. The same could be said for Brian Burke’s hype-crush on John Tavares.  It’s dumb, not going to happen.

We’ve even got something on the rumour radar that makes sense; Mike fackin’ Komisarek!  He hits with the weight of a metric shit-ton, he’s still relatively young (27), and it would fuel the Habs-Leafs rivalry much more furiously than a couple of Belarusian princes dancing around than ice.  (bumps to Maple Leafs Hot Stove)

Burke acknowledges that the impending dip in the salary cap means that managers need to be prepared for the long-term.  [Puck Daddy]

Obligatory Bills News:

The Bills have a scary set of receivers.  They’re deep at wide receiver, like maybe the deepest in the NFL.  And they’ve got Terrell Owens, and yes you’re going to keep hearing about Terrell Owens.

Jays Battle Song For Bodymore, Murdaland

The Pern-stache got it done, the Blue Jays curb-stomped the White Sox 14-0!  Who doesn’t believe in this team?  Don’t knock Cito, Michael Barrett doesn’t, and that’s saying something ’cause he loves hammerin’ people.

I’m being serious now, but Tallet was… dominant?  I’ll settle for effective, and maybe an assist to the wild winds blowing through the “Cell” on the South Side.  Vernon Wells is leading this team in stolen bases with three, which is encouraging because he stopped running several seasons ago.  This was an absolute clobbering, that’s the extent of analysis from here.

Jose Bautista homered for the first time this season, finally delivering on that power potential we saw in EA Sports’ MVP Baseball 2005… modded of course.

Brian Burres is chucking tomorrow, that should be a hoot.  He’s facing Ferris Buehrle and his assortment of “junk”.

You can rest assured, Roy Halladay is just fine despite getting hit hard a couple of times.  He didn’t need to be dominant on Opening Night, Adam Lind and Travis “The Franchise” Snider led the Jays’ mashing attack neutering the Tigers 12-5.  Shove lousy weather down a flight of stairs, we’ve got a dome and a dynamite offense.

This year’s uniforms will feature a red Canadian maple leaf on the right shoulder.  It’s a nice gesture, but ultimately a marketing move.  Now, about the crest adorning the sleeve on the left shoulder.  A pompous “Ted” is emblazoned there for all to be reminded of the late tyrannical owner.  Uncle Ted, never one to be outdone as a showman, had his life celebrated on the Rogers Centre jumbotron following the 3rd inning.  To the tune of the opening bars of “Bittersweet Symphony” (oh how bittersweet it is) we were reminded of his accomplishments:

Entrepreneur

Philanthropist

Proud Canadian

Ted Rogers

1933-Not Soon Enough

I can’t believe some righteous jerks actually stood-up and clapped, have these people ever looked at their cable bills?

Justin Verlander started this season right where he left off last year; throwing pumpkins.  Nothing much has changed about Vernon Wells’ approach at the plate, he was hacking at everything but made good contact for a change.  The Tigers teed off on Halladay in the 7th inning for four runs.  Halladay finished the inning and retired to the dugout, face boiling with a blood-rush of anger directed only at himself.

Brandon League looked decent recording a strikeout, but he allowed a couple runners on base after a hussling Aaron Hill just missed picking up a couple hard grounders.  Hill could be shaking off some mental rust, but that’s okay right now.  It was awesome to see him back on the field and in the lineup.  With two men on base and a 4-run lead at stake, Scott Downs came on to nibble at the Tigers’ chromosomes.

After a couple of idiots found their way into Blue Jays’ jail, our guys tacked on three more runs to their lead and wrapped things up in a quiet 9th.  A couple of things of note:

• Brian Tallet spent the offseason watching Boogie Nights and growin’ a stache.
• Magglio Ordonez has to do something about that ridiculous mop on his head.
• Cliff Lee pitched like the real Cliff Lee Today and got spanked by the Texas Rangers.  He should return last year’s Cy Young to its rightful owner.